My relationship with my body

My whole life I have hated my body. I never felt comfortable in it. I was ashamed of it, embarrassed by it, and tried to always hide it. This is for so many reasons, and over the years, those reasons changed, but my relationship with my body didn’t.

I have always struggled with my weight. I have gained and lost weight many times, and even in my smallest times, I was not happy. It was never enough. I was still never enough.

This has been a large area my therapist and I have and continue to work on. I have definitely come a long way in the last 5 years, but I still have a lot of work to do.

One thing I have realized is my body was never the problem. My relationship with myself and with my body was. The never feeling good enough, the wanting other people’s approval, and the way I spoke and thought of myself were.

I am actively working on changing the dialogue I have with myself, to accept myself as I am, and not base my worth on a number on a scale or how I look in a mirror.

I do plan to share more about this area of my life, but I felt it was important to bring up because my hyperfixation on my weight is actually what started my current medical journey. I went to the doctor because I couldn’t lose weight and figured it was my thyroid, but that is when we found out my iron levels were dangerously high.

This last year going through all of my diagnoses, I kept coming back to my want to lose weight, and I tried a few times, and it never worked like it always has in the past, but my hands were full with researching my new reality and making lifestyle changes. What I didn’t realize is how all of that changed how I felt about my body. I felt the need to take care of it and protect it. This wasn’t something I had felt before; there was never any love there. The number on the scale started to not matter as much as being as healthy as possible. There was this turning point that I didn’t even see happen.

Stay tuned for a deeper dive into this. I will be sharing everything from self-esteem, negative body image, weight loss, the lifestyle changes I have made, struggles with an eating disorder, and unhealthy relationships with food.

Thank you for being here 💕